Look at this generic baby. Disgusting, right? Yours is worse. At least this one has the decency to stay in this JPEG and not invade my personal space.
That's right, I HATE your FUCKING baby. Not just a little bit. We're talking about a deep, passionate, all-consuming hatred that drove me to purchase an entire domain name just to express it.
Your baby is VILE. Absolutely REPULSIVE. I've seen moldy bread with more charm and personality. Every time your baby makes that stupid gurgling sound, I lose another year off my life expectancy.
Look at this generic baby. Disgusting, right? Yours is worse. At least this one has the decency to stay in this JPEG and not invade my personal space.
The way your baby just STARES at people? CREEPY AS HELL. And don't get me started on the drooling. SO. MUCH. DROOL. It's like living with a defective kitchen faucet that occasionally screams. Someone call a plumber AND an exorcist!
And WHY does your baby need so much attention? Always crying for food or comfort or whatever. NEEDY MUCH? Get a hobby, baby! Learn to code or something useful! Maybe develop an app that stops you from crying at 3AM!
Has your baby considered the CARBON FOOTPRINT of all those diapers? Environmentally IRRESPONSIBLE! And the constant demand for organic, homemade baby food? What's wrong with a sandwich like the rest of us?
Your baby's grip strength is LAUGHABLE. Can't even hold a pencil properly, yet somehow manages to maintain an iron grip on your social life. Coincidence? I think NOT!
I used to be your FAVORITE person. Now I've been DEMOTED below someone whose greatest accomplishment is SUCCESSFULLY BURPING. That's right, I'm JEALOUS of a baby. THERE, I SAID IT. HAPPY NOW?
Remember when YOU used to laugh at MY jokes? Now you only have eyes for that drooling attention vacuum. "Oh look, the baby smiled!" WHO CARES? I've been smiling for DECADES and nobody gives me a standing ovation!
You canceled our SACRED TRADITION of Taco Tuesday because the baby was "having a fussy day." I'VE BEEN HAVING A FUSSY DECADE but I still show up with the guacamole, DON'T I?
Oh, and now I have to "watch my language" around the baby. THE BABY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WORDS YET! It's just another way for that manipulative little mastermind to CONTROL my behavior!
Your living room used to be a SOPHISTICATED ADULT SPACE. Now it looks like a Fisher-Price TORNADO hit it. I got THIRD-DEGREE BURNS when I sat on what I thought was a couch cushion but was actually a SINGING STUFFED GIRAFFE!
Your refrigerator used to have BEER and LEFTOVER PIZZA. Now it's full of breast milk bags labeled with dates like they're vintage wines. "Ah yes, the left boob, April 23rd, a FINE YEAR."
The worst part? That baby has the NERVE to fall asleep on my chest when I'm forced to hold it. A CALCULATED MOVE to make me look like the bad guy if I try to put it down. Pure PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE!
Your baby had the AUDACITY to grab my finger and smile at me last week. A TRANSPARENT attempt to win me over! I almost SMILED BACK before I caught myself. NICE TRY, TINY MANIPULATOR! Your MIND GAMES won't work on me!
You keep sending me photos of the baby wearing the band t-shirt I bought. "Look how cute!" NO! That shirt was for a band that SCREAMS about the VOID and EXISTENTIAL DREAD! Your baby is RUINING their street cred!
The ULTIMATE BETRAYAL? You asked ME to be the GODPARENT! A SICK JOKE! You want to legally bind me to care for the very creature that DESTROYED our friendship? DIABOLICAL!
This VILE creature took the very last of my joys out of this world. My life used to be okay, and now it is similar to a tragedy of the likes of 9/11 or the nuclear meltdown of Chernobyl.
